neighbor rant
I need to move out into the country. Somewhere so that my nearest neighbor is far far away. I'm moving in with Breezy.
Let me quickly list the neighbors I have had.
Katherine, the 13 year old neighborhood slut. Eventually, broke into our house, the dog got out, the dog got hit and killed by a car. We moved.
Next....Chris. The vietnam vet who lived under us. Nice enough man during the day. At 2am, every night he felt the need to bounce off the walls and yell "I'll slit your fucking throats you cunts" and then he would spend the next hour yelling at us.
Next........the lady who kept getting mugged. She lived two apartments over. We were scared to death all the time. Until we found out that she was really stabbing herself. Big relief to us. Huh?
Then we had Virgil, the peeping Tom. He was right next door. Again, nice enough, but it made running around the apartment naked, a little uncomfortable. We moved
Next.......Les, the Polish exile. He was exiled from POLAND and moved next door to us. Oh, he was a homophobe. did I forget to mention that. We ended up having to get a restraining order out against him. The night that he moved, he was kind enough to pour save urnine, yes folks, I said saved urine, all over my car. What a nice going away present.
Next.......Chris and Lynn, the closeted lesbian, crank addict couple. We enjoyed the midnight phone calls on work nights asking if we could help their friends, who were passed out, up the stairs and into a bed. Oh yes, could I please get out of my warm bed to come and help you on a work night to put your drunken friends in a safe place. Could I please?
Next.......The family of 5 with the three pitbulls. We live in a townhouse you fucking morons. He was an ultimate cage fighter. She was an ultimate bitch. Oh yes, we had words many times. Finally when one of the pitbulls tried to eat the poodle up the street, they left.
But NOW!!! I'm really pissed off at the newest neighbor. Now this probably serves me right because I may have made fun of TXmomma today. But yesterday I spend $6.25 to wash my car. It's shiny and very purty. Now these little bastards next door are having a water fight and guess where they are doing it. Yep, right next to my once shiny purty car. Now it is covered in waterspots and soap. I may be eating roasted children for dinner tonight. Wash em down with a nice chianti. Where is Hannibal Lector when you need him. Hrmph.
Let me quickly list the neighbors I have had.
Katherine, the 13 year old neighborhood slut. Eventually, broke into our house, the dog got out, the dog got hit and killed by a car. We moved.
Next....Chris. The vietnam vet who lived under us. Nice enough man during the day. At 2am, every night he felt the need to bounce off the walls and yell "I'll slit your fucking throats you cunts" and then he would spend the next hour yelling at us.
Next........the lady who kept getting mugged. She lived two apartments over. We were scared to death all the time. Until we found out that she was really stabbing herself. Big relief to us. Huh?
Then we had Virgil, the peeping Tom. He was right next door. Again, nice enough, but it made running around the apartment naked, a little uncomfortable. We moved
Next.......Les, the Polish exile. He was exiled from POLAND and moved next door to us. Oh, he was a homophobe. did I forget to mention that. We ended up having to get a restraining order out against him. The night that he moved, he was kind enough to pour save urnine, yes folks, I said saved urine, all over my car. What a nice going away present.
Next.......Chris and Lynn, the closeted lesbian, crank addict couple. We enjoyed the midnight phone calls on work nights asking if we could help their friends, who were passed out, up the stairs and into a bed. Oh yes, could I please get out of my warm bed to come and help you on a work night to put your drunken friends in a safe place. Could I please?
Next.......The family of 5 with the three pitbulls. We live in a townhouse you fucking morons. He was an ultimate cage fighter. She was an ultimate bitch. Oh yes, we had words many times. Finally when one of the pitbulls tried to eat the poodle up the street, they left.
But NOW!!! I'm really pissed off at the newest neighbor. Now this probably serves me right because I may have made fun of TXmomma today. But yesterday I spend $6.25 to wash my car. It's shiny and very purty. Now these little bastards next door are having a water fight and guess where they are doing it. Yep, right next to my once shiny purty car. Now it is covered in waterspots and soap. I may be eating roasted children for dinner tonight. Wash em down with a nice chianti. Where is Hannibal Lector when you need him. Hrmph.
posted by Bravie at 4:34 PM
17 Comments:
Now, really, that you should say such things! I mean, good pinot noir goes much better with roasted children.
*snort*
Does that come in a box?
Thank you so much for making my hoodlum neighbors and my ex-neighbor who used to watch me through my windows seem like such wonderful neighbors. They're not so bad afterall.
*snort*
Uh huh. Water fight!!!!!
*sprays Carey with Super Soaker*
So, are you saying that you don't like urine as a present? Shit.
*crosses URINE off of birthday gift idea list*
My neighobors sole goal in life is make sure I get drunk at the most unopportune times. Go figure...move to my neighborhood knockers.
What are neighbors?
*grin*
Breezy said that I could bring my 49er stuff but not my cats. She tried to pawn my 49er stuff into a closet or an attic though.
So I am moving to JB's neighborhood where they can just get me drunk.
The family room is ready for you carey...oh and you can bring the cats. My CHILDREN love cats...do you love children?
The keg is ready...well so is the liquor cabinet. Will Michelle be joining us because we do have a queen size pull out bed.
Wow, we should get your old neighbors together with my old roommates. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
*grin* cstl
I hear spankings cure a lot of stress from bad neighbors.
I know who you are, nananananana
I'd invite you to move into my nice, quiet, purdy little neighborhood, but it sounds like you are a freak magnet.
Carey moves in, there goes the neighborhood.
*snort*
OMG, that is exactly what we say. We are freak magnets. It is scary. We will never escape the madness. No matter where we go. *sigh*
*snort* Of course you are freak magnets.
LOL!
*smooch*
Roasted children eh? I much prefer frying them.
But then you have to clean the frying pan. If you just put them in those roasting bags, there is much less mess to clean.
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