Would you let a friend be homeless?
I'm not really sure what to do. I really hate to have other people's drama invade my home but at what point am I just being plain selfish?
We have a friend who we have known for *counts on fingers* 15 years. We used to spend a lot of time together. Vacations together, events together, all kinds of things together. Then time and distance made those things happen infrequently. We still kept in touch and would hook up at some point at least once a year. Always a message at Christmas and New Years and birthdays and stuff. So we stayed in touch but didn't remain extremely close.
Recently (4 months ago?) she and her girlfriend broke up and she has kind of bounced around here and there. Prior to the breakup she had been let go from her job due to no work. She has been trying constantly to get a new job. She has even applied at Starbucks and Taco bell and other fast food places but gets turned down for being over qualified or no longer hiring or whatever. It isn't as if she hasn't been trying. L is a good hard working person and is not someone I would call lazy or no good.
Three months ago she moved in with a new girlfriend.(she fulfills the typical lesbian stereotype of bringing your belongings on the second date) The GF has a four year old daughter. (this plays into the looong story) . Two months ago L called us in a panic and said her PG&E was going to be cut off and there was no food for the kid and she had to pay registration and she is flat broke is there any chance she could borrow $500. I said no but Michelle said yes. Payback day, L calls and says that she isn't bringing the cash to the concert we were going to together because it was too much cash to bring in to Oakland. I fully agree. She says she will put a check in the mail that day. No problem. Week goes by, no money. I text and she gave me an address which of course was not ours. She will resend it. Another week, no money. Up until this point she had been asking me about therapy and how it was working for me because she was thinking she needed it. She had been contacting me A LOT. I would spend up to two hours on the phone with her just talking about things. It didn't bother me, I felt like I was really helping her out. And I do still believe that I was.
Anyhow, on with my long boring story. She stopped contacting me. Stopped responding to phone calls, text messages and emails. Two weeks go by, still no response. Last week I finally lost my cool about it and made some threats to track her down through another mutual friend and her brother. I know she didn't want friend or brother involved. Finally I threatened to call the police because obviously someone had killed her because she would never do this to us. Well that worked. I got a text telling me she wasn't dead but she was humiliated because she lied and because she can't afford to pay us back at this moment. Fine. I told her it wasn't about the money it was about her ignoring me. She can pay back in payments whenever she has the money. We aren't hurting for it, we aren't missing it and I would rather us be out $500 of money that will just sit in an account than have her go hungry trying to pay it back.
L is going through some serious issues. Big time. She admits that she has pretty much hit rock bottom. She is still unemployed, her last unemployment check is in two weeks and she doesn't know if she can get an extension on it and to top things off all of the stress is taking it's toll. She has turned angry and is now taking it out verbally on the GF. GF is about to kick her out. During the time that she wasn't returning my calls, she spent a couple of nights sleeping in her car because she had nowhere to turn. (she has no family that can help. They are all drug addicts and alcoholics. She is neither)
She doesn't know why she keeps acting out to her GF and she feels she can't control her anger and temper. She knows that she has one foot out the door and is going to be homeless.
As I have said, L has been a good friend throughout the years and she is just going through a really hard time.
Do we offer to give her a place to stay for a couple of months? Or is that way too risky on our part. We have never done well with guests who have stayed more than a week or two so I know that it will wear on our nerves quickly. But do we put aside our small inconvenience for the sake of a friend who will end up sleeping in her car if we don't offer her a place? She has not asked and I don't know if she would. We have told her though that if GF kicks her out for a night or two again to call us and stay here. A night or two is one thing, a month or two is another.
What would You do?
We have a friend who we have known for *counts on fingers* 15 years. We used to spend a lot of time together. Vacations together, events together, all kinds of things together. Then time and distance made those things happen infrequently. We still kept in touch and would hook up at some point at least once a year. Always a message at Christmas and New Years and birthdays and stuff. So we stayed in touch but didn't remain extremely close.
Recently (4 months ago?) she and her girlfriend broke up and she has kind of bounced around here and there. Prior to the breakup she had been let go from her job due to no work. She has been trying constantly to get a new job. She has even applied at Starbucks and Taco bell and other fast food places but gets turned down for being over qualified or no longer hiring or whatever. It isn't as if she hasn't been trying. L is a good hard working person and is not someone I would call lazy or no good.
Three months ago she moved in with a new girlfriend.(she fulfills the typical lesbian stereotype of bringing your belongings on the second date) The GF has a four year old daughter. (this plays into the looong story) . Two months ago L called us in a panic and said her PG&E was going to be cut off and there was no food for the kid and she had to pay registration and she is flat broke is there any chance she could borrow $500. I said no but Michelle said yes. Payback day, L calls and says that she isn't bringing the cash to the concert we were going to together because it was too much cash to bring in to Oakland. I fully agree. She says she will put a check in the mail that day. No problem. Week goes by, no money. I text and she gave me an address which of course was not ours. She will resend it. Another week, no money. Up until this point she had been asking me about therapy and how it was working for me because she was thinking she needed it. She had been contacting me A LOT. I would spend up to two hours on the phone with her just talking about things. It didn't bother me, I felt like I was really helping her out. And I do still believe that I was.
Anyhow, on with my long boring story. She stopped contacting me. Stopped responding to phone calls, text messages and emails. Two weeks go by, still no response. Last week I finally lost my cool about it and made some threats to track her down through another mutual friend and her brother. I know she didn't want friend or brother involved. Finally I threatened to call the police because obviously someone had killed her because she would never do this to us. Well that worked. I got a text telling me she wasn't dead but she was humiliated because she lied and because she can't afford to pay us back at this moment. Fine. I told her it wasn't about the money it was about her ignoring me. She can pay back in payments whenever she has the money. We aren't hurting for it, we aren't missing it and I would rather us be out $500 of money that will just sit in an account than have her go hungry trying to pay it back.
L is going through some serious issues. Big time. She admits that she has pretty much hit rock bottom. She is still unemployed, her last unemployment check is in two weeks and she doesn't know if she can get an extension on it and to top things off all of the stress is taking it's toll. She has turned angry and is now taking it out verbally on the GF. GF is about to kick her out. During the time that she wasn't returning my calls, she spent a couple of nights sleeping in her car because she had nowhere to turn. (she has no family that can help. They are all drug addicts and alcoholics. She is neither)
She doesn't know why she keeps acting out to her GF and she feels she can't control her anger and temper. She knows that she has one foot out the door and is going to be homeless.
As I have said, L has been a good friend throughout the years and she is just going through a really hard time.
Do we offer to give her a place to stay for a couple of months? Or is that way too risky on our part. We have never done well with guests who have stayed more than a week or two so I know that it will wear on our nerves quickly. But do we put aside our small inconvenience for the sake of a friend who will end up sleeping in her car if we don't offer her a place? She has not asked and I don't know if she would. We have told her though that if GF kicks her out for a night or two again to call us and stay here. A night or two is one thing, a month or two is another.
What would You do?
posted by Bravie at 6:45 PM
21 Comments:
Well, seeing as I just went through this, I'd say "Hell no!" Of course, the houseguest had a thing for GF and the feeling was semi mutual, so it was a hardship on OUR relationship. You and Mich just went through some stuff. Are YOU both strong enough for this?
Sometimes, helping someone brings this image to myself: A butterfly is in it's cocoon struggling to emerge into this amazing new life. You desperately want to help it free it's wings. If you do, you risk damaging it's fragile wings before they've strengthened enough to brave this new world. Part of the struggle is to make the butterfly ready for it's new adventure. By helping it, we take away it's chance to be strong and independent. So, what do you do?
I say if you're really seriously thinking of taking her in, do it for a pre-determined amount of time (say...the weekend) and see how it goes. If it goes ok, then allow her to stay 2 more days during the regular week. Hanging out on the weekend is one thing, but things change when everybody goes off to work and has a set schedule and routine.
In order to save my relationship, I had to insist that GF allow our "friend" to come get her stuff and leave that very night. I wasn't there for the good-byes. Why not? I was in the ER with severe chest pains. The time before that (1.5 weeks prior) when we allowed the same friend to stay with us ended with GF spending almost a week in the hospital.
I will pray for your friend, as well as you and Mich as you both decide what to do for your friend. Please don't think I know what is best for you guys, just that the situation I was recently in was a scene from a horror movie. Good luck!
Ack! I'm allergic to houseguests, so I'd say no way.
What about the brother and other mutual friend you mentioned? Could they help? Over the years that you weren't as close, L must have had other people in her life. What happened to them?
Unless you are prepared to lose your friendship I'd say don't let her move in. Would you be able to kick her out if you did?
You are a good friend, and very thoughtful. BUT, you are not responsible for your friend or her troubles. Do not guilt yourself into being responsible.
This is a tough situation, but you have to take care of yourself first.
*hugs*
I agree with Pam. Very hard decision to think about, but in the end Pam is right. Could you kick her out? Are you and Michelle really ready for a houseguest and all the stress that goes with it?
Thank you for the input. I know in the end that Michelle and I will do what we want to do. But I need this kind of input because when and if Michelle and I need to discuss this, I want to have all of these GREAT points.
Especially the point about would we be able to kick her out. That's a biggie.
I think Michelle and I have rebuilt enough and are in a great and strong place in our relationship but who knows until it's too late if it's too soon to take on this kind of stress.
The biggest thing weighing on me is thinking about a friend sleeping in her car. That's a hard one.
Carey, I still think of G and her kiddos every single day.....even though they finally got into housing. I even think of how badly I felt about having to make a decision that went against everything I am by kicking her out.
Karen and I were at a very difficult place that had snuck up on us. Definitely not a normal situation. I believe that you and Michelle will do what's right for you both while doing what you fell will help your friend help herself.
Would I invite someone to live with us if they were in need? Absolutely, just not G!!! In fact, knowing who we both are, we opted for a 3 bedroom (and paying $100 more a month) knowing that we'd eventually bring home strays!!
Don't worry so much about 'rules' of the house, just initiate healthy boundaries. If she's out and about during the day looking for work or the like, you'll only have to deal with the evening togetherness anyway. Good thing about her being there....someone to tend to kitties and plants and deter peeps from bothering your home. Depends how you look at it, I guess.
Continuing to pray and send good thoughts your way!
These people are all more wise than I.
My only thought is, can you risk losing her as a friend if you let her move in? More to the point, can she risk losing you? This kind of situation can have a lasting impact on a relationship and you might do more good as a friend and support system long-term than a safe haven short-term. She's going to need you regardless of what happens, and if she moves in with you and your relationship suffers, then she's truly left with no one.
Good luck. It's such a hard decision, but ultimately you want her to be safe and healthy and back on her feet. Sometimes you can do more good - long term - by saying no than by trying to be everything for her.
First off - you and Michelle are good people for wanting to help out an old friend. This how the world should work! But.
It scares me that she lied to you about the money and didn't come clean until you really got on her case. Are you sure she is the same person who was your close friend years ago? It is hard to see old friends in a new light, so be careful. You have not known her well lately. She may be a less good person these days.
She may be on her way to a new rock bottom; sometimes people have to hit absolute bottom (whatever that means to them) before they can start to rebuild their lives.
Do you trust her to be alone in your house with all your stuff while you and Michelle are at work? Are you sure?
Whatever you do, set some clear boundaries.
*smooches* Bravie just because.
I'm writing this before I read through everyone else's.
Obviously she is not the same person as she was 15 years ago.
Walk away and chalk it up to a $500 lesson. You'll regret it if you let her set one foot in your house.
You have gotten great advice. We are going through something similar with my youngest brother. I am suspicious by nature and I kind of agree with MC.
With the amount of collectible stuff/electronics you have in your home, I would be nervous that she would try to pawn some of it while you weren't looking. Not saying that she would, it would just make me nervous. Especially since she has now proven herself to be dishonest. I guess what I would is think about the worst case scenario of how badly this could turn out and would you be willing to go through that for her.
The malls and retail stores are definitely hiring for x-mas help. Even though I was a professional, they always took me for xmas help because I was reliable and would show up for work. Maybe a Barnes and Noble or Borders?
PS- CONGRATS on your new job!!!!!
I agree with Pam. What about the mutual friend and the brother?
I know I would probably let the old friend stay until she got on her feet. I wouldn't want to and I would probably regret it, but I would do it anyway.
My advice to you is to not invite her to move in because that is what I would want to do. A night or two is fine. Maybe even a week or two. She would have to know that her welcome in your home has an expiration date.
ack! I just read tkit's response and it scared me! And yes! to the hiring for Christmas help now. She really shouldn't be having any troubles finding a retail job. I worked at a dept store for the season and they started hiring in September. And the awesome thing about looking for temporary work at this time of year is that they don't expect you or want you to stay, so being overqualified really shouldn't be a problem for her.
You guys are making me feel better about the whole job thing. I was feeling as if there has to be some job out there. I can't believe it's hard to get a job. Maybe not a job that you want but it can't really be THAT hard to get any job. and then I felt bad. Because she can't get a job and here, in the middle of a recession, I just got a new job and one that pays very well. I felt as if I was being snobby and naive about her not being able to get a job. But you are all really helping with all the comments.
I would like to think that she would not steal any of my stuff. But as mentioned, she isn't exactly the same person at the moment. People do drastic things when they are desperate and I don't want to be the victim of that.
In all truth, if she did something like that, I honestly believe that it was cause me to react in a way that would land me in jail.
So I think I am going to talk to Michelle and tell her all of things that you my friends have said. and I am going to ask that we think heavily about not letting her stay if she asks.
Maybe she really does have to hit absolute rock bottom and us letting her stay would just be another crutch.
But continue to post more responses if you want. Because this is all really great stuff. Thank you.
When I read this post this morning, my immediate reaction was that you should let her stay with you if she's about to be homeless. But after reading everyone else's response, I'm not too sure.
Swami made a very good point about the lies she told you re: the $500. Obviously she's not very trustworthy right now, so yeah, that would be a major factor in not letting her stay.
I don't know. If it were me? I'd probably let her stay, but start off with just a week or two and see how it goes from there. I think it would be too hard for me NOT to help. Because that's what friends do, right?
Tough call, Carey. Good luck with your decision. *swalt*
My two cents? Something more is going on behind the scenes with L. I get that she lost her job and unemployment is about to run out - yes that's extremely stressful and can cause depression. BUT....I get the feeling that there's more to the story of the relationship issues, unless it's just a 3 month I'm bored with you type of deal. There's no reason in the world for L to have those kind of anger issues and uncontrolled outbursts towards her GF and the daughter.
Maybe I'm looking for problems where they don't exist, but...I'm seeing major red flags in her life right now that there will be NOTHING you and Michelle can do about, especially if you allow her to move in. Between depression, no money (one working adult, one non-working on unemployment adult...should have close to enough to pay bills, hopefully), family history and her anger, a needy personality and asking about therapy...I'm seeing someone who is crying out for help but isn't ready to give up or give in. Be it depression, feelings of failure, or drug/alcohol use - something major is going on in her world that you don't need to stress yourself, your relationship and your home out over.
It's never easy to tell a friend, especially an old friend, that you can't be THE answer to her problems. But as someone *points up* said, you telling her no if she asks may be more help than giving her what she needs on the surface.
*hugs*
I've let numerous people stay with me and me and Rob once there was a me and Rob. Only once did it have a happy ending.
So I will tell that story: My brother came to Tulsa and moved in with me right after my divorce. He started welding school. He was 21. He helped with the rent and one day he brought Rob home :) He now makes good money as a welder and I have been with Rob for 17 years (no we didn't get together right away).
The other 11 or 12 times I won't give you nightmares with those horror stories. But, if someone needed a place I would probably be a sucker and let them in. *sigh
You've gotten great advice and I will echo it...think of Michelle and yourself first. Yes, you want to help, but the fact she lied to you means there are bigger concerns that just giving her a place to rest her head for a few days. She is not a stray cat. She is a grown woman who needs to get her life together and the first step is to stop lying to long time friends who are only trying to help.
If you want to help her offer to research agencies that can help to get her back on her feet. You live in a large city and I am sure there have to be a number of agencies/charities dedicated to keeping women like L off the streets.
You're a good person, Bravie. Your heart is huge and I love that about you. *hugs*
We were once in a slightly similar situation. I was in Niagara Falls at a ball tournament and called home to tell Dave that we were just getting ready to leave and we'd be home around 3am. Dave wasn't there but our friend, Dan answered the phone. I asked why he was at my house and he informed me that he was now living with us!
He had split with his wife and needed a place to stay. He was working but had to pay all the bills for his wife and kids and they were in a lot of debt. I felt bad for him and went along with it (like I really had a choice...he was already moved in) and for a while it was tolerable. He stayed 4 months before we finally had to ask him to leave.
We're no longer friends. Found out after he moved out that he and his wife were only split so she could collect mother's allowance checks so that they could pay off some bills. We had been used. Friends had told us that was what he was doing but we didn't believe them until he confessed it to someone after he moved out. I never would have thought he would have used us like that.
*hugs*
I'm late to the blog, but I agree with the excellent advice that you've received. Good luck with this hard decision.
Ugh. I keep coming back in here and reading all the responses...and I have to say, I lean more towards saying no, too. It's easy for us to say that since we aren't the ones who "know" this friend, and we don't actually have to do the "saying no" part, but I do believe this has the potential to make your life very difficult (if you let her in).
And really, I could be totally wrong but somehow I can't believe that Carey and Michelle are the only people standing between her being homeless or not. If the need really sets in, she will likely find *someone* to stay with at that point.
I don't know how to start this, but first off I will say that I am crying.
Crying because I have been the one in the situation needing a place to stay, because my dad kicked me out. (FYI, my room had clean clothes waiting to be hung up laying on my bed...that was his reason that I was a slob)
If it wasn't for friends I would have been on the streets a lot sooner than what I was, and really only ended there because of the relationship I was in. Everyone else could see what he was but me, and they more pushed me out to get me to learn than pushed me because they did not trust me or were tired of me.
It was a hard, difficult, horrible time...not knowing where I would go. Not having anyone to turn to, not having a bed to sleep on. If it had not been for a total stranger who I happened across, I do not think I would have survived. He took me in, and helped me get on my feet. It took a while to get a job. A long while, because where I was was mostly touristy, and I had always worked behind a desk.
It took 3 months for me to save enough for my apt. But that was more him than me, he wanted to make sure that the money would cover everything to get set up and situated. He was truly a saint and I still keep in contact with him. Actually I keep in contact with the friends that initially helped me too.
I say you have to do what is in your heart. If you trust her, and you can let her lying to you over the loan slide (only once though) she probably needs you. I know when you are needing food or whatever you will do almost anything to survive.
So maybe I am looking at it a bit uncleanly, because I say don't let anything sway you but you. Sure people are dishonest all the time. And in situations it is often hard to determine what side of the spectrum someone would land on, but sometimes one can be too cynical. Too safe. Set ground-rules, deadlines, and if she doesn't met them, show her to a shelter. But whatever you do, do what is right for you...no one else.
Opps...
I meant unclearly not uncleanly
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