Confliction and such

*sigh*
I always thought that once I reached my 40's, life was supposed to be better. I was supposed to have a better idea of who I am and where my life was headed. I would have learned from my mistakes, grown smarter and blah blah blah.
Well poop on that. Life was easier and more fun before I turned 40, if I'm being totally honest. anyhow.

OT seems to have become a big clusterfuck these days. I think the EMT thread really showed that.
OT used to be a place where I had fun. I made some great friends and we had great fun and it was a place for me to escape to. Now it seems to be a place that I need to escape FROM.
After that thread, Boner and I got into it. Not just in the thread but behind the scenes as well. and as much as I have been trying to work on my anger and my temper, I lost it today. I definitely made a comment to him in a PM that crossed the line. I knew it as soon as I hit send. He called me out on it and I apologized. But I should have never let some message board get to me to the point of going too far. But, it also isn't just SOME message board. It's been a home and it's been family.
I decided today that I was walking away from OT. That it is a place that causes me aggrevation and a place that gets me riled up. So I made the decision to leave. I told a friend this and she told me that it wasn't fair to her or to others. I sort of dismissed her because, well, she's a friend. So of course she doesn't want me to leave there.
I wanted to check my inbox over there this afternoon, so I went there. *sigh* I have messages from peeps. Some I would call friends. Others I would call acquaintences. Those are the ones that for some reason hold the most weight for me. How backwards is that? I SHOULD listen to my friends. Instead, I dismiss them and listen to those who I hardly know. A couple who I would not be able to name by their real life names. They told me that I would be missed if I left. That they have noticed that I do not post as much anymore and that they miss me. That OT isn't the same without my voice. And a bunch of other nice stuff. It made me feel very, well, very nice and warm and fuzzy. and anyone who has been following my life lately knows that I have not been getting too many warm and fuzzy feelings lately.
So why does it take a stranger? Why do their kind words have more of an impact? Don't get me wrong, they do NOT mean more to me than those of my friends.
Here is one of my unqualified theories: Growing up, my Mom would always say "you're such a pretty little thing". Well now, I am NOT blind. I was not ever a pretty little thing. So obviously my Mom HAD to say that to me so I wouldn't feel like an ugly little thing. So maybe I feel as if those who love me only say nice things because they are supposed to say those things. And I tend to believe strangers because they have no reason to say nice things.
Heh, but I don't always believe strangers either. I was at the store yesterday and this younger girl walked by and told me that my hair looked nice. I giggled, turned red and said thank you. I told Michelle about this and she said "Do you think that maybe she was, well, you know" And before she could finish her sentence, I said "retarded?". She snorted and said "No, ass, I was going to say was she gay?". We laughed because I always assume the worst. I never believe that I am likeable or have nice hair. *grin*
What the fuck is this long and stupid post about again? Good lord. If you are still reading this, what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you have something better to do? *grin*
Oh, conflict. So I think that instead of deleting my bookmark to OT, perhaps I will respond to my PMs and then just take a short break. And I will rely on my friends to tell me when there is a cool and fun thread that I most post in. <---should never end a sentence with the word in. *shakes head*

This week's manic post

*pokes head out of cave, temporarily*
HAH!!!!!!!! I BEAT YOU!!!!!! YOU DIRTY BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEAT ME AND YOU WERE WRONG!!!!!!!!!! HAH!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
Rage Against the Machine can kiss my ass. It was the one band that I couldn't beat on Guitar Hero III. After numerous failed attempts, I finally beat it this weekend.

So

I don't know how much I will be around. But if I am going to keep my blog up, I would prefer the top subject to at least be somewhat positive. :)
I want to say thank you to many of you. I've been receiving a lot of support lately about my obvious breakdown of sorts. I've received support from people who I would have never thought would reach out to me. I thank everybody who has shown concern but I especially want to thank the couple of you who surprised me with such support. Thank you.
I'm a little bit worried right now because my boss started to layoff people yesterday. *worried look* Two got the ax yesterday. I worry about my job.
Michelle and I have been getting along fantastically the past few weeks. The two major issues that we were having seem to be working towards a resolve. I can see the difference in how we communicate with one another, how we get along, how we respect each other. If things stay on track like this, I really believe that we will be able to work things out. It's weird what a couple of weeks of hard work can do. That doesn't mean that I am letting my guard down or that I expect everything to be perfect. But this has been the best that it has been in about 6 months.
I knew things were really getting back on track when SHE brought up the 3day cancer walk. This walk has been a HUGE issue between us. Long story. And truthfully, 100% my fault. So for her to mention it to me and suggest that I participate with Boo and Weltek if the time and place permit, was just such a huuuuuuuuge thing for us. *happy sigh* Whether I (or perhaps we) participate or not is another thing. But the option is there if we choose.
I'm still not having great feelings about OT. I still find myself getting annoyed at certain people over there. So my participation over there is still limited. I just don't feel that purposely going to a place that just irritates me, is very healthy. So babysteps for now.
I think that's it for an update. I hope all is well with everybody else. :)

sigh

Sorry, I shouldn't haven't posted that last entry. I should have just vented and saved as a draft. Sorry to the few of you who saw it. Thanks for the comments there, though.

Damnit

I CAN flounce. I CAN if I damn well want. The gays can flounce, ya know.