Week One

I am soooo glad to have the first week under my belt. I really don't think I was mentally prepared for what that first day was going to bring. So yeah, day one sucked horribly.
But as many wise peeps advised me, it got a little bit better each and every day. By Friday I was starting to feel a bit more comfortable.
I'm not great at interacting with strangers so as the week went by and I got to know people a little bit more I was feeling more comfortable.
I am used to an open floorplan at work and I am used to a smaller office with just a few of us. Adapting to having different departments just for the office staff has been strange. The part of the office where I work houses about 10 people and it is separated by a partition. Through another door has about 7 or 8 more and upstairs is the sales force, HR and accounting. I share a large "cubicle" with two guys. One is about 55 years old from the East Coast, a diehard Republican (who voted for Obama), he is married and has two grown children in college. My other close coworker is a kid who is in his mid 20's, he's from Grand Rapids, MI (waves to Breezy), he is single and just has the most fun in life. I call him a young Bohemian. I came out to him on Friday. I knew it would be safe. He told me that this other guy in our department was gay, too. Whew, got that out and out of the way and I have no real worries anymore when people ask if I am married.
I found out that the company has a Christmas Party every year. It's been 25 years since I worked for a company that had a Christmas party. and I get to bring Michelle. I forget that working for larger companies like this affords such things as picnics and parties and gatherings that are company sponsored.
They are not as strict as the handbook says they are. But I really knew that already. We can get up and take breaks when we want just as long as we aren't abusing things. And even though I won't be able to play on OT during the day anymore, I'll be able to check my email here and there during the day once I get my email addy set up. They are also flexible about doctor's appointments and calling in sick and taking a little longer than an hour for lunch if needed every once in awhile.
I haven't figured out the neighborhood yet. My friend Sandra is going to come down at some point and take me out to lunch and show me around. She used to work one block up and she lives in the City so she is very familiar with the area. San Francisco is very interesting in that one block can be as hoity toity as they come and you can turn the corner and instantly be in a neighborhood where you don't want to be. I am at the foot of Potrero Hill. So it will be nice to have her show me where to and not to wander during lunch periods. :)
That's it. The people are nice and have made me feel comfortable. Twice this week the President of the company told me he was really happy to have me on board. THAT I am not used to.
Once I get my bearings on how to work their system, I think, I hope, this is going to be a good fit for me. If not, at least I am giving it my best. But I do hope that it is going to be a good fit. For week one, I am liking it so far.

Day Two

I hope it's better than day one. Day one hit me like a brick wall. I felt lonely and isolated and like I didn't belong. I know I'll get used to it but I really didn't realize it was going to be as difficult as it was. I feel a little better today going in. At least day one is behind me. I'm just struggling to see where I am going to fit in. It was just such a change.
New people, new place, new hours, new rules. Lots of rules. So far I get no contact with the outside world except on my breaks and my lunch period. That was a hard adjustment.
Both times I called Michelle she was slammed at work and couldn't really talk. It was hard to not be able to have her call me back when her load lightened.
I think I can adjust to their systems and how they do things but it's going to take some time. I knew all the terminology and didn't look like an idiot when discussing work stuff so that was good.
We'll see how day two goes. I can't help feeling a little bit like I made a mistake. I know that feeling will go away in time. I just can't wait for that time. Because for now I am sad and lonely and not quite adjusting mentally the way that I thought. I think I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I have become.

This is it

Tomorrow (Monday) I start my new adventure. There are so many good and bad that go with it and I am looking forward to getting it out of the way.
The bad: New place with new people. I will be the newbie. No Internet access so I will be cut off from the world that I have grown used to. Which means I won't be around here as much as I used to. *pout*. New hours. It's been years since I have worked an 8-5 day. That is going to be a huge adjustment. I am sure that around 2pm tomorrow I am going to hit a wall of depression because I would normally be going home then. I won't feel at home for a bit. I really do like comfortable so this is just waaaaay out of my comfort zone.
The positives: A decent paycheck for a change. That is going to be a huge welcome. It is also going to be nice going into to work everyday and not feeling as if I just dread getting out of bed everyday. Although I was comfortably numb at the last job it was really hindering me in my quest to build a healthier and happier life for myself and Michelle. This should be a huge boost. I really am looking forward to seeing how other printing companies operate. I can't for a minute believe that my last place is standard operating procedure. Based on speaking with other people in the industry, I am correct in this assumption and I am going to be thrilled about working for an organized company. Of course there are always office politics and good and bad everywhere you go but from what I understand I have really been held back by staying where I did. So I look forward to learning about how a company should really run.
*Deep breath* I get more and more nervous as the hours go by. I am sure I will be up way too early tomorrow because of my nerves. If so I will probably do a quick round on the computer, one last time until my new adventure starts and my new routines are established.
*sniff* I'm really going to miss seeing all of you during the day.

Yes, please do.

Now I will know what businesses to solicit and what businesses not to solicit.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27352726/
It is regarding the same sex marriage ban going on in California. Those trying to outlaw marriage plan on outing those who have supported the opposition to the ban. Yes, please. Do so.

My loverly weekend

I honestly can not say too much without giving away the secrets of others.
A midget a lesbian and a Republican walk into a redneck bar...
Kimmer is an awesome host. She drove much out of her way to come and get us and much out of her way to get rid of us. She even got up and made us coffee and breakfast every single day. Although one day she refused to feed us.
The weekend unfortunately was not long enough so we didn't have a whole lot of time. Mostly though, the weekend was about spending great quality time with some wonderful friends and that is exactly what we did.
So in a nutshell...
Boo and I are primed for The Amazing Race. We freaking rocked at the corn maze. Blew Kim and Breezy out of the maze completely.
Kimmer makes the yummiest hobo pies. I want those every single day.
Breezy and I rock at lawn balls.
Kimmer is the best pool partner on the planet.
Boo might be a lesbian and she is bringing sexy back.
Breezy talks waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
Boo can fly like a 747.
Kimmer is a bit dangerous on country roads.
Redneck bars do not serve margaritas but have Grape Smirnoff in abundance.
Snickers covered caramel apples are divine.
In all honesty, I got to spend time with Boo, Weltek and Breezy and it was a fantastic weekend. Kim really is a great host and all of them are great company. I had a wonderful time and wish it could have lasted a few more days.
Thank you Kim for putting us up in your house. Thank Chris as well. And thank you all for a wonderful weekend. It was a great sendoff for me into my new adventures in life. *smooooches*

Prop 8

When this hideous proposition passes I will blame nobody but the Anti-Prop 8 people.
For those who don't know, Prop 8 is the proposition on the California ballot that will take away gay people's right to marry and will change the State Constitution to state that marriage can only be between a man and a woman.
The ads that they are airing in favor are full of hate and absolute lies. ABSOLUTE FUCKING LIES. They will NOT start teaching 2nd graders that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls. They don't teach these things to 2nd graders. No churches will lose any tax benefits. Nothing changes. Check out the state of MA. That state has not fallen off the earth and burned in hell. They are not teaching a bunch of 2nd graders a bunch of stuff about gay sex. It's sickening that they are getting away with these smear tactics. And they are being funded and backed mostly by the Mormons. Sorry to say this about an entire group of people but I do not like the Mormons. Nothing about the LDS is good. A bunch of fuckers who at one point believed in and allowed multiple wives, some of whom were underage are now backing a Proposition to keep marriage traditional. I'm mad. Fuck you Mormons. Fuck you all. Do NOT come knocking on my door if you know what is good for your ears.
But worse yet are those on my side. They haven't raised enough money to run as many ads. and the one ad that they do run is so soft I could wipe my ass with it. Get tough please. It's sickening that you are letting those hate filled, bigoted hypocrits win this therefore taking away my right to marry. Because as of today, it is legal for gays to marry in California. I am pretty certain that come November, our rights are going to be taken away and we will be back at square one again.

Update on my friend

Syren posted in that post and it reminded me of the new developments.
She got in touch with me two days ago telling me that her car had been repossesed. No warning, no letter, no phone call. Just went outside and her car wasn't there. She called the repo people and they said they sent letters but they came back as a bad address. Um, how did they find the car then?
Got more info on this GF who we have never met. She hasn't held a job in years. Mooching off of people. Now she has used L for every penny she has. They are $11000 behin in their rent and the owner of the house is about to lose the house. Neither have a job and now neither has a car.
Friend asked me if she could borrow more money to get her car out.
I hate that I have fallen back into my cynical ways because I do believe that I have softened over the past year. But honestly? Something is NOT sitting right with me here. I am now not sure when she is telling the truth or not and that has me concerned.
I told her that I couldn't loan her more money because it's not been an easy past year on me, either. Not as rough as her, I understand that, but I'm not a bank. Michelle is the one who is usually soft to these kinds of things and even she said no this time. She said she can't be L's unlimited supply of bailout. She feels a bit bad but she isn't willing to go even another dollar into the hole until she sees that L is making some sound decisions. L's main concern seems to be her love life right now and she is focused on how she and the GF can't get along and they always fight. And right now her concern is getting the GF's car out of impound.
Look, if L was focused on helping herself and not the GF I might be a little more willing here. But I feel like she is borrowing from us in order to financially support her GF. Who we have never met. So no more money is coming from us.
Look, I want to help my friends but at this point I don't feel that L is doing everything that she can to help herself. So at this point I don't think we would let her stay at our house. Too many things are not adding up for me and that leads me to not trust her at this time.
If I see that she is making steps to help herself and not the GF, then maybe we will revisit the idea of helping her out.
Thank you everybody for your input. I really thought about each and every word that all of you said. *smooch*

Light stuff

I am making bbq shortribs in the crockpot today. Mmmmm, are they ready yet? *looks at clock* Damn, 7 more hours.
I am home alone watching football today. Michelle is playing bingo with her bingo dork friends.
I think I am ahead of this cold that I am trying to catch. Double doses of vitamins, Zicam every four hours, lots of liquids and cold medicine just in case.
I have re addicted myself to Pogo games. Grrrr. Why? Why do I even go there? Now I can't stop playing Poppit and Scrabble. Stop me before I never come back again.
The Raiders are losing miserably. Weeeeeee.
My new company prints for the Raiders. Not weeeeee. Hrmph.
I started a book, I am 10 pages in and I can already tell I don't care for the book. I've read the same 10 pages over and over for the past month. Time to give up.
Are my ribs ready yet???????

Would you let a friend be homeless?

I'm not really sure what to do. I really hate to have other people's drama invade my home but at what point am I just being plain selfish?
We have a friend who we have known for *counts on fingers* 15 years. We used to spend a lot of time together. Vacations together, events together, all kinds of things together. Then time and distance made those things happen infrequently. We still kept in touch and would hook up at some point at least once a year. Always a message at Christmas and New Years and birthdays and stuff. So we stayed in touch but didn't remain extremely close.
Recently (4 months ago?) she and her girlfriend broke up and she has kind of bounced around here and there. Prior to the breakup she had been let go from her job due to no work. She has been trying constantly to get a new job. She has even applied at Starbucks and Taco bell and other fast food places but gets turned down for being over qualified or no longer hiring or whatever. It isn't as if she hasn't been trying. L is a good hard working person and is not someone I would call lazy or no good.
Three months ago she moved in with a new girlfriend.(she fulfills the typical lesbian stereotype of bringing your belongings on the second date) The GF has a four year old daughter. (this plays into the looong story) . Two months ago L called us in a panic and said her PG&E was going to be cut off and there was no food for the kid and she had to pay registration and she is flat broke is there any chance she could borrow $500. I said no but Michelle said yes. Payback day, L calls and says that she isn't bringing the cash to the concert we were going to together because it was too much cash to bring in to Oakland. I fully agree. She says she will put a check in the mail that day. No problem. Week goes by, no money. I text and she gave me an address which of course was not ours. She will resend it. Another week, no money. Up until this point she had been asking me about therapy and how it was working for me because she was thinking she needed it. She had been contacting me A LOT. I would spend up to two hours on the phone with her just talking about things. It didn't bother me, I felt like I was really helping her out. And I do still believe that I was.
Anyhow, on with my long boring story. She stopped contacting me. Stopped responding to phone calls, text messages and emails. Two weeks go by, still no response. Last week I finally lost my cool about it and made some threats to track her down through another mutual friend and her brother. I know she didn't want friend or brother involved. Finally I threatened to call the police because obviously someone had killed her because she would never do this to us. Well that worked. I got a text telling me she wasn't dead but she was humiliated because she lied and because she can't afford to pay us back at this moment. Fine. I told her it wasn't about the money it was about her ignoring me. She can pay back in payments whenever she has the money. We aren't hurting for it, we aren't missing it and I would rather us be out $500 of money that will just sit in an account than have her go hungry trying to pay it back.
L is going through some serious issues. Big time. She admits that she has pretty much hit rock bottom. She is still unemployed, her last unemployment check is in two weeks and she doesn't know if she can get an extension on it and to top things off all of the stress is taking it's toll. She has turned angry and is now taking it out verbally on the GF. GF is about to kick her out. During the time that she wasn't returning my calls, she spent a couple of nights sleeping in her car because she had nowhere to turn. (she has no family that can help. They are all drug addicts and alcoholics. She is neither)
She doesn't know why she keeps acting out to her GF and she feels she can't control her anger and temper. She knows that she has one foot out the door and is going to be homeless.
As I have said, L has been a good friend throughout the years and she is just going through a really hard time.
Do we offer to give her a place to stay for a couple of months? Or is that way too risky on our part. We have never done well with guests who have stayed more than a week or two so I know that it will wear on our nerves quickly. But do we put aside our small inconvenience for the sake of a friend who will end up sleeping in her car if we don't offer her a place? She has not asked and I don't know if she would. We have told her though that if GF kicks her out for a night or two again to call us and stay here. A night or two is one thing, a month or two is another.
What would You do?

Countdown begins

In two weeks I will no longer be employed here after 13 years.
The next day I leave for my mini vacation.
The following Monday is my birthday and I start my new job.
Whew, what a month. :)

What a difference a year makes

Whew, has it ever been a year. A year ago today I was on my way home from my trip to Canada with Breezy and Lightsy. A year ago today I was on my way home to a job that I hated and a wife who was about to leave me. I was returning to a very unsatisfactory life. A life where most days I didn't care if I even got up in the morning. I felt anger and resentment and boredom and a general feeling of an unsatisfactory life. I had emotionally disconnected myself from most people in my life even if I was in daily contact with them. I didn't see much hope and for the most part wanted to retreat back to the days when I numbed myself with drugs, booze and casual sex.
Today, one year later, I am frightened beyond any words that I can express. Today I gave my notice at a job that I have held for 13 years. Four of those years have been tolerable at best and miserable at worst. Today I took a step towards a new way of life in my career. I am both excited and scared.
Today, my sister in law gave birth to a baby boy. I can't tell you the range of happiness that I have gone through. The excitement of finally being allowed to talk about my new adventures with my coworkers and my friends and my family. And then the excitement of becoming an Auntie again. What a fresh new day today has been. I am not going into a lot of detail about why the birth is such a relief but let me just say that we are all relieved that both baby and Mom are healthy. *sigh of relief*
Today, a year later, Michelle and I are probably in the best place that we have been in a long, long time. We communicate better, we relate better, we love better, we get along better. We have re learned the art of respecting one another.
Coming home last year was terrible. I truly did not want to return home. Partly because I had such a great time with my two friends but partly because I knew in my gut that I was coming home to a wife who had checked out. I finally decided that I needed to get into therapy. I wasn't big on this idea but I have to say that it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. It's just nice to talk to someone who doesn't make me feel as if she is judging me or who has no connect to the things that I talk about. I feel like I am a better person. I feel as if I have better relationships with those around me. I'm closer to Michelle, closer to my family, closer to my friends. Even the rocky relationship that Breezy and I had has improved 100%. Some may know, some may not, that Breezy and I have had a rough road on our friendship. I think we both stuck it out because we knew that when we got to other side of that rocky road that we were going to have an incredible friendship. I'm so glad that we've stuck it out and come out the other side with such a great friendship.
Even the friendships between me and some of my friends here have improved. I find that I want to spend more time with them and that I enjoy the time that I do spend with them just a little bit more than I used to. Maybe it took almost losing everything in my life to realize that I better start to cherish the life that I have. Because it is a pretty damn good life that I have.
And that scares me to no end.

October 27th

That's my birthday. It's also the day that I start my new job. *grin*